what follows are the thoughts and rambles of a overly bored and sexually repressed 22 year old, pay them no serious heed….
Reasonings and Ramblings…
Cohesive ramblings. Two opposites that often times pair incredibly well together. They are often seen as two different approaches to knowledge, but more often than not the two sides of the same coin. Cohesive thought, and inane ramblings. One is inexplicably linked to the other, while one is cares not for linkage or any sort of order at all. A single cohesive thought can be the child of many countless hours of aimless mind wandering, while a ramble may stay a ramble just for it’s own sake.
There is a constant struggle, a conflict, forever waging within my very soul.
Opposing forces gather in my inner most parts, fighting for who will rule the whole.
One side is the platoon of my desires, on the other is the battalion of the desires of others.
A mage keeps shouting at me, you must die unto yourself, you must for others. But some unknown voice tells me “Caution, my child, do not be so heavenly minded that you’re no earthly good.”
The mage retorts, “Must you always be selfish? Must only and always your wants & needs come first?”
“Feelings”, a taboo phrase for all those of the masculine persuasion are told to eschew. A poisonous message that has so permeated our culture, even the most modern and progressive thinkers of our time can’t help but cower before it’s traditional might. But enough is enough, and it’s far past time for a change. Not a change to shatter foundations of society, or even a small peer group, a change in a single solitary person. Me.
I firmly believe one’s privacy should be respected above all else, and that one’s personal beliefs on spirituality and/or sexuality should never be vilified or judged unless those views compromise the sovereign autonomy of another person.
However, the question I face is, what about investigative journalism? At what point does pursuit of truth trump right to privacy?
Where do I draw that line between these equally important tenants of mine and not be self limiting or hypocritical?
Also, the question of journalistic ability still remains. What would be the best way I can draw attention to myself, in a journalism sense, to attract lucrative writing jobs?
I am a charleton, a vastly duplicitous man. I have been curse the need to change who I am depending on who I’m with, so much so that I don’t know my true self.With parents, I placate.
With friends, sensibilities vacate. All the while, slowing killing the “Me” inside.
I want something (someone) real, someone with whom I can find myself.
I trust so very few on this earth with my true self, my parents nor I am on that extreme short list.
If even I am not worthy of my trust, then in whom should I believe?
The crux of this question lies in the question of divinity. Not if it exists, but of if it even cares.
I have friends around me that confide in me a lot, or at least I perceive it as a lot, and they have a fabulous support group that will keep them honest and on the path they have set before them.
I am a part of many such support networks, but I don’t feel like there is one for me.
There’s always my family, but I cannot be 100% honest with them about what I feel or think. My beliefs and my ideals of how life works have changed so drastically in the last two years that I feel like a traitorous bastard living in the skin of the dutiful son I slowly murdered.
I cannot go to my parents with this news. Either they will not understand, or my own feelings of ineptitude strangle my words before they are formed.